i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
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So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
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Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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