One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
