Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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