I wanna bring you to show and tell
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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