When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Randomize
