So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
