I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
