Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When did angry sex become our thing?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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