Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
This is my gift to your gina
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
