I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
