i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
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