I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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