Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Brb crying the tears of my youth
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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