I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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