do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
