are you still at the devil's house?
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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