I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
