hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
This is not my ceiling
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
