I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
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