you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
