my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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