I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
