I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
