final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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