i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
