well I can't set my house on fire every night
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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