Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
