Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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