i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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