wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
