A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
