whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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