Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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