I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
tonight lets celebrate not being married
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
