i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
