Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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