ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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