The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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