Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm bleeding and have questions
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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