so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
