dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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