Got a toothbrush?
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
