To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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