just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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