i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
