I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
