2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
there's paper in my vomit.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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