I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
