he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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