worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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