I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
