If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
