Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
