All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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