I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
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I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
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She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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