I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
