I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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