If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
