I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
