The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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