Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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