With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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