you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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